It’s Fall ya’ll, the season black culture has affectionately named “cuffin’ season.” Simply put, it’s the time of year that singles find someone to spend those cold months cuddling (or more) with, pending an actual relationship. In honor of this occasion, I thought it would be fun to spend the next couple months in a series discussing love and relationships. PSA: I am no one’s expert, I am strictly sharing my experiences in an effort to help someone else who can relate. 🙂 Now, let’s get started.
The phrase “You can’t love anyone without loving yourself first” has always puzzled me. I know my feelings, I know what I believe love is supposed to be, I can easily give that away right? Wrong. Here’s 4 ways I surrendered to myself before someone else:
1. I Started To Heal
Bag lady, you gon’ hurt yo back, dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you, how you must hold on to, issues, issues, issues…
Often times, we don’t allow ourselves time to recover from the damage a failed relationship, friendship, or marriage has put on us. We put up invisible walls and bring invisible bags to the next encounter, “reminding” us of warnings to look for so we don’t get hurt again. What we don’t realize is, while we are supposed to guard our hearts, we need to be armed with GOD’s wisdom not barbed wire.
I emphasize God because yes, we gain wisdom from our experiences and they shape the way we live our lives. But when offenses are internalized and unforgiven, they have free reign to endlessly control our every move. Case and point: in my younger years, I was addicted to pornography. Because of my circumstance, I spent a lot of time in shame, resenting myself for being stuck in it and resenting men because of the things I thought they wanted from me. It wasn’t until I took a hard look at my situation, talked through it, and started the process to forgive myself/the person that introduced me to it that I could even begin to fathom the kind of love God had envisioned for me.
Forgiveness unlocks the key to everything you could desire for yourself. It’s not about having a one up on the person that hurt you or showing them how much better off you are (they don’t care), it’s about having peace within whether they apologize or not.
It’s not easy by any means, but it’s worth it.
2. I Prayed About What I Wanted
I believe in being extremely specific with the Lord. In fact, the first list I made was so detailed I wanted my potential spouse to “wear a fade, look good in suits and sweats, be 6 ft tall and wear Air Force ones.” However, when our lists are superficially based, anyone could meet those qualities could be an answered prayer and a distant memory in the same week.
So, I broadened my list to suit qualities of the person I wanted instead of appearances I wanted (though they still had to be handsome haha). In doing this, I was required to keep an open mind while God worked and not dismiss what He presented to me because it didn’t fit the physical mold I wanted to it to come in.
Also, being specific about what I wanted forced me to reflect and ask myself if I was everything I wanted from a potential spouse. Sometimes, we become so focused on looking for the boxes on our lists to be checked that we don’t work on being the check while we wait. Strengthen your prayer life, work out and get healthy if you desire, take yourself on dates, learn new skills, encourage/love on yourself, go to therapy, learn how to cook (still working on that one, don’t judge me.) My point is, if relationships go both ways, that doesn’t stop once we find what we want. We have to be what someone else wants as well.
3. I Created Boundaries/deal breakers.
In the words of Will Smith, “I believe self-discipline is the definition of self-love.” One of my favorite parts of singleness was figuring out what was really important to me and the things I couldn’t compromise. It gave me power to say that I was so valuable that I couldn’t settle for the pocket change anybody threw at me. My top 3 were having a devoted partner, being celibate until marriage, and having a Christian spouse. The standards differ from person to person, so I can’t tell you what works and what doesn’t, but I stress taking your time and getting to know what you need.
4. I believed I Deserved Love.
This timeline that we put ourselves on to get married or even be in a serious relationship before 30 frustrates me. Who says 30 is the magic number for anything and why do we need to be done with major life steps before it? Are we incapable of doing anything worth meaning after that age? No! Understandably, the older we get, the more “set in our ways” we become, yet if someone wants you, they want you regardless of your age, the mistakes you’ve made or how many partners you’ve had before them.
It breaks my heart to see and hear women be interrogated because they’re not married by a certain age or demean themselves and contemplate if anyone will ever want them because they’ve been single a long time. Marriage is a gift, it’s an added responsibility but it is not a prize nor the ultimate signal that you have your life together. No matter what, you are worthy. You are deserving. You are held in high regard by your Father in heaven, and He will make sure you have the very best when your time comes.
No one wants to be alone, but alone doesn’t necessarily mean lonely. While you’re waiting to be cuffed for a lifetime, take pride in the people who love you, learning to love yourself and the mission God has for you right now that’s so urgent you need no distractions.
Hey Siri, play Beyoncé “Me, Myself and I”.
Celebrate yourself,
Mel
Melisha Queyandra 